


Steve's Having The Time of His Life. Not.

by fannyvonfabulus



Series: The Watermelon Chronicles [3]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Clint secretly just really loves Mean Girls, Darcy doesn't have a penis, Multi, Nat is a total Bro, Pepper loves the colour blue, S.H.I.E.L.D. Bros, Thor has magic beard growing abilities, and is a bit jealous of Steve, especially on Steve, i accidentally some feels, i need to stop abusing the tags, it gets a bit cracky, not sorry, oh yeah, someone take the Sharpies away from Clint, sorry - Freeform, there's some Super Solider wanking somewhere too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 23:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyvonfabulus/pseuds/fannyvonfabulus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Clint, Natasha and Darcy give Steve a makeover, Darcy and Clint teach Steve to dance, Natasha hates shopping with other people and Clint may or may not love Mean Girls.  But he's still an asshat.</p><p>These are the bits told from Steve's POV that slot inbetween the main story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Get In Loser, We're Going Shopping

**Author's Note:**

> So, turns out that writing gratuitous gay man love is harder (fnar fnar) than I thought. So, here's the first bit of what happened inbetween the main story from Steve's POV.
> 
> Part 4 IS on it's way, promise.

Steve is confused.

Well, not confused so much as concerned.  He likes Tony.  A lot.  Might even be in love with him but he’s not about to look at those feelings too closely.  Not at the moment anyway.  He knows he wants Tony.  

Badly.  

Desperately even. 

And last night, after the genius tried to teach him a few dance moves, he’s been nothing but a stuttering, bumbling idiot.  But Tony had been flirting with him hadn’t he? OK, so he flirted with everyone but it had kind of felt special last night.  For him anyway.  It was probably just another normal day in the life of the eccentric billionaire.  Steve wants to make a move, he really does but that would just upset the team dynamics.

Wouldn’t it?

Had to.

 And it’s his team. Hell, they’re the closest thing to family he has seeing as everyone else he knows or knew is dead.  They’re a weird, sometimes frustrating bunch of miscreants but a family to him nonetheless.  And he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.

But Tony.

Beautiful, snarky, clever, infuriating Tony.

Sometimes Steve doesn’t know whether he wants to kiss the engineer or punch him in the face.  They’d not got off on the greatest footing but a year down the line, they’re friends.  Infact, Steve is pretty sure that Tony is his best friend.  And that just makes what he’s feeling all the more complicated.

Steve sighs into his coffee mug as he sits at the island in the kitchen, poking absently at the pancakes heaped high on the plate in front of him.  He’s vaguely aware of someone coming into the kitchen and sliding onto the stool next to him.

“What’s up, you great, big hunk o’ man you?” Darcy says, poking Steve in the ribs and stealing his coffee.  “Man trouble?”

Yeah, I just….wait, what?” Steve startles at Darcy’s insinuation of it being _man_ trouble.

“Oh please, I’m not blind. You gonna eat those?” Darcy doesn’t wait for a reply, just slides the plate of pancakes in front of her and starts eating.

Steve sighs again and gets up to make himself another coffee.

“Can’t really miss the love sick puppy face whenever Stark is around, it’s nauseating,” Darcy carries on, ignoring the growing blush rising up Steve’s neck.  “So, what’s Tin Man done now?”

Steve hesitates but then just ends up just telling Darcy everything about last night.  She carries on shovelling pancakes into her mouth while she listens and when Steve’s finished she eyes him thoughtfully.

“Clint is a fucking douche bag.  I’ll taze him for you later,” She concludes.  “You like him, don’t you? Tony I mean?”

“Yeah, I do. A lot,” Steve admits, and it feels good to actually tell someone.  “But I don’t want to jeopardize the team.”

“Fuck the team Steve, we’ll get over it.  It’s about time you went after something you wanted rather than worrying about everyone else.  I mean, when was the last time you got laid?” Darcy asks, knowing full well Steve hasn’t.  When Steve doesn’t answer, Darcy just nods.  “Exactly.  Now, what are we going to do about that?”

“I’m sorry, ‘we’?”

“Yeah, we.  I’ve had an idea.  A fucking awesome, chick-flick worthy idea,” Darcy’s eyes widen as she has a light bulb moment.  “Wotcha doing today Cap?”

“Um, nothing I guess.”

“Awesome.  Meet me back here in 30,” And with that, she shoves another pancake in her mouth and practically skips off down the corridor.

Steve’s not sure he’s going to like what happens for the rest of the day.

********

“Fuck that!” Clint exclaims as Darcy drags him into the kitchen 30 minutes later.  Natasha saunters in after them looking a little grumpy.  Steve is waiting in the kitchen for them and eyes them all suspiciously.

“Shut up Hawkguy.  You owe Steve after last night,” Darcy throws back at him and Steve feels his face heat.  “Karma can be a bitch.”

“Don’t make me Lewis! For the love of all that’s holy, don’t make me!” Clint throws himself on his knees and clings to Darcy’s leg in an over the top show of pleading.  Natasha walks past him and cuffs the back of his head before coming to a halt in front of Steve.

“Darcy filled us in,” Natasha states matter-of-factly and Steve’s face must be a picture because she raises a hand to stop anything that might be about to come out of his mouth.  “Everyone in the tower has a bet on you and Stark and I fully intend to win, even if it means pooling my resources.”

“But I don’t see why I should have to……”

“SHUT UP CLINT!” Darcy squeals at Clint to shut him up.  Natasha produces a black Amex out of nowhere and waves it at Steve.

“This is Stark’s card. He won’t miss it.  You. Garage. Now.”

5 minutes later and Barton is screeching to a halt in front of Steve in one of Tony’s many convertibles with Darcy and Natasha.

“Get in loser, we’re going shopping!”

God help him……..


	2. On Wednesdays We Wear Pink

“Oh no, Clint. No. Absolutely not.  I am _NOT_ buying these,” Steve protests as he’s shoe horned into a pair of the skinniest jeans he’s ever had the misfortune to try and put on.  Even with Clint helping, they’re ridiculous.  They look like they’re sprayed on and he feels like a prize idiot in them.

“Yeah, I clearly didn’t think this one through,” Clint grouses as he gives up trying to pull the jeans up any further. 

“How you thought that these thighs would fit in those jeans anyway, I’ll never know,” Steve starts to peel off the black denim.  He has to sit on the couch in the vast changing room and let Clint pull the last of the offending article off his feet.

“Are you two done in there yet,” That is absolutely _NOT_ a whine that just came from Natasha.  The Black Widow does not whine.  Even when she’s been sitting outside a changing room for the last hour while Clint puts Steve in a staggering amount of outfits.  No.  Not a whine.

“Yeah, I’m done,” Steve announces, pulling back on his trademark khaki Dockers and white t-shirt.

“But _Steeeeeeeeeeve_.......,” Clint starts.

“I’m done,” Steve cuts off Clint’s pouting and whining before he can even start and heads out to Natasha and Darcy.  The red head notices the distinct lack of clothing in Steve’s arms and her shoulders sag ever so slightly.

“Really? Nothing?”

“Sorry Nat,” Clint admits with a shoulder shrug.   “The man has thighs the size of tree trunks.  Nothing fits.”

“Only one thing for it then,” Says Darcy as she fishes her phone out of her pocket and dials.  “Hey Pepper! ……. No, Tony’s fine…….. Everyone is fine, honest………Well, if you let me get a word in, I’ll tell you!”

*****

20minutes later and Steve is being ushered into a very, VERY exclusive looking tailors by the other three and being met by Pepper the other side of the door.

“Steve!” Pepper throws her arms around him in a hug.

“We need your help Pep,” Darcy says brightly.

“ Already ahead of you,” Pepper laughs, releasing a slightly confused Steve.  “I’ve already given Mr. Maitland here a list of items that Steve is going to need.”

“You’re a lifesaver Pep,” Clint grins, giving Pepper a kiss on the cheek before sprawling himself out on the very expensive looking leather couch on one side of the room.

“Wait, what?  A list of items?” Steve asked, already blushing.

“Yes Steve, a list.  Now go and get measured,” Natasha is obviously fast losing her patience with the shopping trip and shoves him towards a very serene looking older man with a tape measure draped around his neck.  He’s shown into a room towards the back of the shop and asked to stand in front of an arrangement of hexagon of mirrors.  A small army of assistants appear out of the shadows and quickly get to work measuring what seems like every inch of Steve’s body.  Mr. Maitland mutters measurements to small lady to his left that could be his wife, Steve isn’t sure.  Steve gets lost in his thoughts and before long, Mr. Maitland is beaming up at him and saying that he’s finished.  Steve returns his smile and turns to go back out to the others.

“And now, we just need to chose fabrics and colours,” Mrs (?) Maitland says and Steve is whisked away to a room with the others in tow.  Steve’s jaw drops when he sees the enormity of the task: every inch of the huge room is covered in rolls of material, colour swatches and sketches.

“Come on Cap,” Pepper tugs at Steve’s arm and pulls him into the room.  “This is something I’m damn good at.”

******

What must be hours later, Steve emerges from the tailor with the promise that in 7 days he’ll have four 3-piece suits in various colours (all chosen by Pepper and all suspiciously in varying shades of blue, Something about matching his eyes.), two tuxes, 7 pairs of made-to-measure jeans and 10 shirts, all bespoke to his body.  On top of that, he’ll be getting two  
new leather jackets, 2 peacoats, a pair of shoes for each suit and a whole load of other accessories that Pepper had insisted that he has.  He’d started off trying to protest that it was too much but Miss Potts can be just as formidable to deal with as Natasha.  Except maybe less likely to end in hand-to-hand combat.  Pepper waved her goodbyes and Clint’s stomach had rumbled so now the remaining four where sat in a nearby Italian shovelling pizza into their mouths.

“Hair,” Darcy mumbles around a slice of pepperoni.

“Hmmm?”

“Your hair, Steve,” Darcy repeats, wiping her hands on her jeans.  Steve looks to Natasha for help but the assassin just nods in agreement.

“What about my hair?”

“It’s a bit…… old man-ish,” Clint says with a mouthful.

“Gee, thanks.”

“What they mean is, if you’re getting a whole load of new clothes, then you should get new hair too,” Natasha explains, rolling her eyes at Clint as he slurps his Coke.

“But whats wrong with my hair?” Steve feels three pairs of eyes all rolling and holds his hands up in surrender.

******

He comes out of the hair salon 2 hours later feeling a little flustered and a lot like he wants to go home immediately and wash all the crap out his hair.  He’d drawn the line at having highlights done but he’s got a lot of product in his hair.  It had taken the hairdresser _hours_ to make his hair look……. Well, Steve thinks he could have got exactly the same effect by sleeping on his hair for 6 hours.

“Much better grandpa!” Darcy declares, clapping her hands together at the finished product.

“Less of the grandpa, thank you,” Steve frowns playfully.

“Can we go home now?” Clint whines and Natasha rolls her eyes at him for the millionth time.

“Yes Barton, we can go home now.”

Oh, thank fuck for that…….”


	3. That Is So Fetch

**“** Why can’t I _get it_?” Steve whines, standing on Darcy’s toes _yet again_ , much to her annoyance and rapidly disappearing patience

“Y’know, for someone with super serum enhanced everything, you’re not very good at this,” Darcy winces and rubs her foot for what seems like the millionth time in the space of an hour.  When she looks up, Steve is giving her the most defeated look yet: his bottom lip is stuck out in a pout paired with the most ridiculous puppy dog eyes she’s ever seen.  She sighs and gives his outrageously huge chest a pat.  “Don’t worry about it big guy.  We’ll crack this.”

In Darcy’s infinite wisdom, she’s taken it upon herself to teach Steve how to dance in the currently empty Avengers gym.  She had thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get her hands on the Captain and unleash some of her more provocative dance moves.  Alas, so far it’s just resulted in bruised and possibly broken toes, a very pouty and dejected Captain America and the possibility of one Steve Rogers becoming the laughing stock of the party next time they all go out dancing.

“I hate to say it but we need back up,” Darcy admits with a sigh and pulls out her phone.  “And I’m pretty sure that the problem is my distinct lack of male body parts.  Luckily, I know just the right dick to help us out.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

15 minutes later and Clint is sauntering through the door looking both smug and irritated in equal measure, if that’s at all possible.

“So you said you needed help with a hunk of walking, talking perfection,” He drawls, giving Steve the once over and rolling his eyes when the blond blushes. “Steve, _dude_ , you need to get that shit under control.  You’re not 15 anymore talking to your first crush.  90 year old men don’t blush.  And with all the crap that comes out of Stark’s mouth, you think you’d be used to it by now.  You need to learn how to take a compliment without lighting up like a fucking Christmas tree.”

“You can teach Capsicle rude words later Hawkguy but right now, he needs your help,” Darcy gives Clint a half smirk and pats Steve’s chest again because yeah, _never_ gonna get tired of that.  “I’m showing him all my best moves but he’s not getting it.  Figured it’s because I have boobs.  You wanna give it a shot?”

“Lady Darcy, it would be my genuine pleasure,” Clint gives Darcy a bow before stepping into Steve’s personal space.  The bigger of the two notices that Clint is pretty much the same height as Tony which makes him instantly relax a little.  He thinks that maybe Darcy was right and that the reason he couldn’t get the hang of things with her was because she was that much shorter and, like she said, not a guy.  Not that he doesn’t find women attractive because he does.  Just not as much as fellas and one fella in particular.  He just likes men more he thinks.  He’s startled out of his thoughts by Clint clicking his nimble fingers in front of his face.  “Earth to Steve, come in Steve!”

“Sorry, miles away,” Steve mumbles and desperately tries to get his blush under control, much to Clint’s amusement.  “I can’t help it, it just happens!  And it embarrasses me more now than it did back then.  At least before the serum I could blame the blushing down to one of my illnesses.”

“I think it’s cute,” Darcy reaches in to yet again rub a soothing hand over Steve’s chest because yeah, muscles. 

“Cute or ridiculous?” Steve huffs.

“Cute,” Clint confirms.  “But also a little ridiculous for Captain America.  I’ll teach you a few things; see if we can’t get it under control.  Right now though, you have a bigger problem.  Two left feet huh?”

“Yeah,” Steve admits and hangs his head.  “I can ballroom but I just can’t seem to jive.”

“Oh god, you’re adorable!” Darcy giggles at Steve’s words.  “Can I keep you?”

“Pipe down Lewis.  And no you can’t,” Clint scolds but there’s no heat in it.  “Right now, the good Captain needs our help turning him into a dancing god.  So, let’s see.  JARVIS?”

_“Yes Agent Barton?”_

“J, it’s Clint when I’m not in uniform, you know that.  Or Agent Awesome.”

_“My apologies Clint, but I refuse to refer to you as Agent Awesome. We have discussed this.”_

“Yeah, yeah....” Clint flaps his hand in the direction of the ceiling and rolls his eyes at the AI.  “Now, I need something to help Captain Tightpants here channel his inner snake hips.  Help a guy out?”

_“As you wish.”_

Clint sniggers at JARVIS’s sass just as the gym is filled with the sounds of Moves Like Jagger.  It’s no doubt a gentle and harmless dig at the Captain on the AI’s behalf but Steve doesn’t seem to notice.  He invades the blonds’ personal space again and starts to direct him into moving with strong hands on his hips.  It doesn’t take long for Steve to fall into the rhythm and pretty soon, he’s got his hips moving in time to the music and Clint’s instructions.  With a smile on his face, he gets into it and thinks that he might actually be able to nail it this time.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Tony is wandering the corridors of the tower listlessly later in the afternoon, completely unable to concentrate on anything.  So much so that JARVIS has kicked him out of the workshop and put it on lock down after he nearly set fire to his face for the fourth time with a welding torch.  Now he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  He’s too restless to sleep, he’s already eaten nearly the entire contents of the refrigerator out of boredom and now his feet are taking him on a random path through the building.  He figures he might as well go down to the gym and try to work off some of the excess energy he seems to have.  Who knows, it might even help with the apparently permanent semi-hard on he’s been sporting since the Captain America Incident in the communal living room a few days before.  A bit of mindless and tedious exercise could be just the cure even though Tony absolutely _loathes_ exercise, despite the fact that it can help to quieten his brain sometimes.  And right now, he needs his brain to shut the fuck up about a certain Super Solider.

When he gets to the gym, he’s not prepared for the crazy loud and obnoxious 90’s dance music that’s blaring or the sight of Steve sandwiched between Clint and Darcy who are both, from Tony’s startled vantage point, grinding themselves up against Steve with the sort of wanton abandonment that even he would be proud of.  JARVIS cuts the music and the three writhing bodies stop dead and all turn around to face the door at the same time.  Clint merely raises an eyebrow in question, Darcy grins and Steve.....Well Steve looks both surprised, horrified and wild eyed.  His cheeks are all flushed, there’s sweat starting to gather across his brow line and quite frankly, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights.  The silence stretches on until Tony clears his throat and starts to walk backwards the few steps to the door.

“Sorry, I’ll just....” Tony points a thumb over his shoulder at the door before turning on his heels and disappearing.

“Shit,” is all Steve says, looking distraught while Clint and Darcy dissolve into uncontrollable giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> K, so I' am SO sorry that it's been so long since I updated this. RL has been a fucking BITCH this year and I just kinda gave up on writing anything.  
> Then I got cracking on NaNO this year and that kinda rekindled my love of writing. I have declared December & January the Months of The WIPs and I fully intend on getting all my WIPs finished. Or at least, most of them finished. I have a feeling that A Christmas Wish will probably bumble on for another 10 years.
> 
> So, thank you to those that subscribed to this one and any of my other fics - I owe you cookies and kisses and squidgy hugs for being so awesome.


	4. So You Agree: You Think You’re Really Pretty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sorry this chapter got a bit cracky and out there.
> 
> I'm not sorry though.
> 
> Not even a little bit.

“What do you mean, you can’t grow a beard?”

“I mean, I was too sick before the serum to properly hit puberty,” Steve tries to explain.  “And since the serum well, I just don’t seem to be able to grow one.  It’s a little embarrassing.”

“I’d like to not be able to grow a beard,” Bruce comments, scratching his 5 o’clock shadow whilst reading a newspaper on his StarkTab.  I have to shave twice a day if I’m going somewhere fancy in the evening.  It’s a pain in the ass.”

“At least you can grow one,” Steve mumbles into his coffee mug dejectedly. 

“So what _can_ you grow?” Clint persists and Steve gives him a glare.  “Bum fluff?  Its bum fluff, isn’t it?”

“Clint, what even _is_ bum fluff?” Steve asks in his most exasperated tone.

“It’s like that fuzzy fluff that we get when puberty kicks in.  It looks kinda stupid.”

“Then yes, all I can grow in bum fluff,” Steve answers in a sigh.  “That’s why I’ve never bothered trying to grow it for any length of time to see if it would grow any thicker.”

“Then let’s have a beard growing competition!” Clint says a little too excitedly for a deadly assassin in his late 30’s.

“I wish to join in with the growing of beards!” Thor booms as he walks into the kitchen and plonks himself down on the stool next to Steve.  “Is it a Midgardian test for warriors?”

“No Thor, it’s just a juvenile game that Clint here wants to play,” Bruce chuckles, looking at the God of Thunder from over the top of his glasses.  “Steve here has never been able to grow a proper beard.”

“Steven, surely not?  A mighty warrior like yourself can surely grow the finest of facial hair?” Thor looks a little disappointed at Steve’s inability to sprout hair on his face.  The blond also isn’t about to admit that he’s always been more than a little jealous of Thor’s beard.  In fact, he’s seen them all with beards, even Phil when he had that week off to recover from a nasty gash on his arm and he’d taken the opportunity to wear nothing but sweats all week and not bother shaving. 

“Yeah Thor, it’s true,” Steve says miserably. 

“I said that we should have a beard growing contest because I want to see Cap’s bum fluff,” Clint sniggers.

“Bum fluff, Eye of Hawk?  Surely the good Captain does not grow an arse on his face instead of a beard?”

Clint practically falls of his stool he’s laughing so hard.  Steve just buries his head in his hands as Thor looks confused and Bruce is trying really, _really_ hard to be an adult about it all but smothering his laughter in his coffee mug all the same.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Four days later and Steve is grateful that they haven’t had a call out for a while because as he peers into his bathroom mirror, he’s mortified at the pathetic smattering of hair on his upper lip and chin.  There’s a few stragglers on his cheeks but he essentially looks like someone attempted to stick random hairs all over his face.  He desperately wants to shave it all off but they’d all shaken on it and he’ll be damned if he’s going to cave and give Clint another reason to poke fun.  He _will_ see this challenge through to the end, godammit, no matter how embarrassed he is that Captain America can’t grow a goddamn beard.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

6 days into the challenge and Thor has somehow managed to grow a beard that reaches his belt.  Steve is convinced it’s some sort of Asgardian magic.  At least, that’s what he’s convinced himself of because it makes him feel slightly better about the fact that his own facial hair hasn’t thickened out at all or even grown that much more.

Clint is not amused and Bruce just sits and strokes his own rather gorgeous beard (Steve thinks it looks like a wolf’s pelt) as he listens to the archer gripe about ‘fucking Asgardians and their fucking beard growing Hoodoo.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

10 days in and Steve is a gnat’s testicle away from shaving.  Clint has got more and more obnoxious as his own beard has grown, constantly trying to stroke Steve’s face and commenting on how full and fine Steve’s beard is.  The blond knows that the archer is only doing it to poke fun but he’s getting really tired of Clint’s shit.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

12 days in and Steve wakes up from a nap on the couch with a start to find Clint cackling with laughter on top of the entertainment centre in the communal living room.

“Wh....Why.....Clint, what are you _doing_ up there?” Steve manages to say eventually, blinking the sleep from his eyes.  Clint says nothing, just laughs harder until Thor walks into the room.  Clint is still jealous of the Asgardian’s beard, which is by that point so long that Thor has to braid it and tuck it into his belt.

“Steven, what is that on your face?” Thor asks when he rounds the end of the couch and looks at Steve’s face.  Clint starts laughing again and there’s a reason why he’s not getting down off the entertainment centre.

“Erm, I’m trying to grow a beard?” Steve replies sarcastically because he doesn’t need Thor joining in with the poking fun as well.

“No Steven, I know that.  I meant what are those strange markings?  Is this another Midgardian ritual that I do not know of?”

Tony picks that exact moment to walk through the elevator and into the room.  He stops when he sees Steve, cocking his head to one side and trying not to smirk.  Clint just laughs even harder.

“Think we need to start hiding the Sharpies from the kids Cap,” the genius sniggers and Steve jumps up from the couch to head for the nearest mirror.  When he peers at his reflection, he can see that Clint has drawn on a beard and moustache while he was asleep.

“Suits you Baby Blue,” Tony says with a grin as he leaves the room. 

“Crap,” Steve groans as he rests his forehead on the cool surface of the mirror.  As Clint’s sniggering intensifies, he dares to ask the question: “Is Sharpie permanent?”

“Sort of,” Clint answers with a giggle but he doesn’t have the smile on his face for long when Steve gets a hold of his legs and hauls him off his perch.


	5. Say Crack Again

 

“I can’t say that!” Steve gasps at what Clint has just said.

“Yes, you can,” Clint grins.  When Steve had come to him to ask for help in getting his blush under control, he’s been almost giddy at the fact he gets to teach Steve some serious dirty talk.  “You’re a _soldier_ Steve, you must have heard worse.”

Steve has to nod in agreement but he’s still a bit taken aback by Clint’s brazenness.  It’s been a while since he’s used that sort of language so it’s going to take a little while for him to get back into the swing of things.

“Yeah, I’ve heard worse.  Just not for oh, I dunno, _decades_.”

“Good.  That means this won’t take long.  Now, let’s try it again: repeat after me.....”


	6. Grool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally some feels.
> 
> I accidentally quite a lot of feels actually.
> 
> Whoops. 
> 
> красивая девушка = beautiful girl according to Google translate. If it's wrong, tell me please.

“JARVIS?  Can you tell Darcy I need her help please?” Steve sighs at the ceiling as he looks at the clothes he’s somehow managed to cover his bedroom with.

_“She is on her way Captain.”_

Steve nods a thank you, knowing that JARVIS can see and goes back to surveying the damage.  After Tony had decided that they were all going dancing, Steve had retreated to his apartment to panic quietly over what he was going to wear.  All of the clothes and accessories from Mr Maitland had arrived and Steve had carefully put everything away in his enormous walk-in closet.  He still wasn’t entirely comfortable with Pepper insisting that Tony paid for it all but Miss Potts was a hard woman to argue with.  He’d find a way of paying Tony back for it all somehow.  Half an hour ago, everything had been immaculately put away but now....Well, now the floor of the closet is a mess of dress shoes and boots.  His bed is strewn with clothes and they’re all over the floor in a trail from the closet to the bed.  Steve feels guilty for having made such a mess, despite that fact that the’re _his_ clothes on _his_ floor.

Luckily, there’s a knock at the door and Steve opens it to find Darcy grinning up at him.

“Oh thank God...” Steve breathes as he pulls Darcy inside and shuts the door.

“Woah there big guy,” Darcy laughs, taking in Steve’s panicked expression.  When her eyes find the trail of clothes that has spilled out into Steve’s living room her eyes widen.  “Steven, I didn’t know you had it in you to actually make mess!”

“I need your help,” Steve says, biting his lip and running hand through his hair.  “I have no idea what to wear and I’ve only got a few hours and I don’t know why I’m suddenly so nervous and.....”

“Ssshh Steve, just breathe,” Darcy soothes, putting a reassuring hand on Steve’s arm and moving them both towards the bedroom, picking up discarded clothes as she goes.  “Why don’t you make a start on picking stuff up and I’ll call in the cavalry, yeah?”

Steve nods, takes a breath and starts picking up the mess of clothes to dump them on the bed before he starts folding them up to put them away. 

“JARVIS?”

_“Miss Lewis, I have already taken the liberty of alerting the necessary people.”_

“J, you are a miracle.”

_“Thank you Miss Lewis.  Is there anything else I can do for you?”_

“Na J, we’re good.  Unless you have enough narcotics to calm down Captain Panic over there?”

_“I am afraid not Miss Lewis.  And protocol states that there are no narcotics in the tower.”_

“I know J, I was just messing with ya,” Darcy smiles as she watches Steve busy himself tidying up his clothes.  “But I know that champagne _is_ allowed.”

_“It is indeed Miss Lewis.  You should be able to find some in the wine chiller in Captain Rogers’ kitchen.  It has been there since he moved in but now would seem like the perfect time to open it, would it not?”_

“You’re not wrong J,” Darcy agrees as she heads for Steve’s kitchen.  “You’re not wrong.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The cavalry turns out to be Natasha and Pepper, although Clint seems to have tagged along just for shits and giggles.

“They need to be tight.  _TIGHT_ ,” Darcy argues as Natasha takes the ridiculously tight jeans out of her hands for the third time.

“Not _that_ tight,” Nat says, throwing the black jeans on the pile to the left of the bed.  The pile on the other side is considerably smaller and is the maybe pile.

“What about the other black pair?” Pepper suggests, pointing into the closet as she reaches for the fourth bottle of champagne.  “The moleskin ones?  I like them.”

“Good thinking Pep!” Darcy grins and disappears into the closet once again.  Nat plonks herself down on the bed on the other side of Steve and takes the glass Pepper offers her.

“I still think the blue Henley is the best option,” Clint chips in from where he’s sat cross-legged on the floor facing the others.  “Shows everything off without being obvious.”

“To be fair, Steve could wear _anything_ and look good,” Pepper giggles as she pats Steve’s thigh.  Steve would blush but thanks to Clint, he’s got that under control thank goodness.  “Awww, where’s the blush gone?  The blush was cute.”

“The blush was embarrassing,” Steve laughs, downing the rest of his glass and holding it out to Pepper for a refill.  He can’t get drunk but he’s doing his best to get tipsy.  He feels warm and happy as he sits there surrounded by the people that have become his friends.  No, scratch that: they’re his _family_.  Yes they’re a crazy bunch of damaged and bizarre individuals but all together, they’re his family, his pack.  For the first time in a long time, he feels as though he’s home.

“Hey Cap?” Clint asks from the floor, a hint of concern in his eyes.  “You OK champ?”

“Yeah,” Steve says smiling softly and swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.  “Just....yeah, I’m good.”

Steve and Clint share a look that Nat knows well.  It’s the look that says they each know what the other was just thinking so they don’t need to mention it.  Lord knows Nat has felt the same way.  It frightened her when she first had the feeling of being _home_ when she walked into tower after a particularly tough mission.  It startled her to realise that she’d missed everyone.  She’d missed the comfort of her favourite armchair in the communal living room.  She’d missed the smell of Bruce’s cooking wafting through the corridors and the way Tony left tools in random places around the communal floor.  She missed Steve’s pancakes in the mornings and she missed Darcy’s constant chattering as she shovelled Clint’s eggs into her mouth at breakfast.  She knew the look that Steve and Clint were sharing and she was glad that they both felt the same.  They all deserved a place that they could finally call home and there was never a doubt in Nat’s mind that it would be Tony that gave that too them. 

Out of all of them, of course it was Tony.  Tony, the man that would gripe about superheroes cluttering up his tower and cramping his style.  The man that had a secret, soft smile whenever he saw one of the others using something that he’d made for them.  The man that declared Thursday night as Avengers Movie Night and who made the popcorn and curled up against Steve with his feet in Bruce’s lap and would fall asleep long before the end of the movie with a faint smile on his face.  No wonder Steve had been falling for the genius – she supposed that they all had in their own ways.  Tony had become the brother that Clint had always wanted rather than the brother he had been handed in the shape of Barney.  The two of them were like a couple of 7 year olds but Nat knew that they shared a deep bond that Clint wouldn’t openly admit to.  It was similar to the bond that she had with Clint but whereas theirs was forged by violence, past abuse and an understanding of what the other had gone through, Clint and Tony’s bond was based on childish pranks, snarky comments and both being orphans.  Tony was important to Clint on the same way that Nat was, just based on different things.

And Steve. Kind hearted, mother hen Steve who made sure that everyone ate properly, made sure that Tony and Bruce didn’t lose themselves for too long in their labs and who had fallen into the role of exasperated parent with an ease that Nat knew came from a past of having to wrangle the Howling Commandos.  The Avengers were Steve’s new pack and if Nat sometimes caught Steve watching Clint, Tony and Thor rough-house with a sad but fond look in his eyes, she never said anything.  She would rub a hand between his shoulder blades and give him a knowing smile before she disappeared.

“Not you as well,” Darcy’s voice cut through Nat’s thoughts.  “Where the fuck did the 3 of you go just now?”

Nat, Clint and Steve look at each other for a moment, all sharing a knowing and secret smile before Nat gives herself a mental shake and stands up.

“Steve, go get in the shower.  Darcy, hand me those jeans.  Clint, go find an iron for Steve’s shirt,” Nat orders and everyone springs into action, knowing that when Nat uses that tone, she needs to be obeyed.

“Wow,” Pepper says from behind Nat and she turns to see the CEO looking up at her with a mixture of adoration, tipsiness and a hint of lust.  “You’re awesome.  I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

Nat smiles down at Pepper and reaches over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear.  Pepper flushes a gorgeous shade of pink that clashes with her hair a little and makes Nat’s smile widen.  She’s had a soft spot for Pepper since she first went undercover as Miss Rushman.  There’s something alluring about the strong, capable redhead that strikes a chord with Nat.  And anyone that can successfully wrangle Tony Stark _and_ the other Avengers is a superhero in Nat’s book.  

“And you, красивая девушка, you go and fetch some more champagne,” Nat says in a voice that makes Pepper blush a deeper pink.  “We have work to do.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Three hours later and Steve’s bedroom is a mess again only this time, it’s not just his clothes that litter the floor and bed.  Darcy, Clint, Pepper and Nat had all decided to get ready for their night out in Steve’s apartment.  The champagne had flowed, outfits had been tried on and now Nat was just putting the finishing touches to Steve’s hair as the others polished off what was left in their glasses.

“Aaaaaand done!” Nat declares, standing back to pull Steve to his feet.  When he turned around to face the others, she was met with a low whistle from Clint and open mouths from Darcy and Pepper.

“Holy shit!” Darcy squeals, clapping her hands as she bounces up and down.  “Would you fucking look at him? _I_ want to climb him like a fucking tree so Tony is going to want to eat him alive!”

“You look good Cap,” Clint’s smile is a little lopsided thanks to all the champagne he’s had but the look in his eyes is genuine.  Then his smile falters little before he says: “Phil is jus’ gonna shit when he sees you.”

_“Captain Rogers, Sir has asked me to inform you that the limo is waiting in the basement garage if you would all like to meet him there.”_

“Thank you JARVIS.  Now remember, play it cool but not disinterested,” Pepper reminds Steve as she takes his arm and starts walking him towards the door.  “Tony is going to be in full on playboy mode tonight but don’t let him get the upper hand.  Surprise him and he’ll be speechless for long enough that you’ll be able to get a word in.  And eye contact.  He likes eye contact.  Especially with people he wants to fu.....that he’s taken a shine to.”

“You can say fuck in front of him Pep,” Clint rolls his eyes.  “I’ve been helping him out with that.”

That makes Pepper giggle as the tipsy group make their way to the elevator that will take them down to the garage where Happy will be waiting with the limo.  As they descend, Darcy gives Steve a final once over and nods in satisfaction.

“I’m sorry, but high fives all round gang,” Darcy says, raising her hand and waiting for the others.  “I mean, _look_ at him. If Tony doesn’t pull his head out of his perfect ass tonight, can I keep him?”

“Lewis,” Clint sighs.  “For the millionth time, _NO_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also accidentally Pepper/Tasha.
> 
> I know this is supposed to be from Steve's POV but seeing as the rest of the series is entirely from Tony's POV, i thought I'd let my babies play a little in this part of the Chronicles.
> 
> *shrugs*
> 
> I go where my muse takes me.


	7. Happy hour is from four to six!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI - gratuitous Super Solider wanking ahead.

 

Its 4am when the Avengers finally get home from the club and Steve feels like his skin is on fire.  He locks the door to his apartment behind him and slides down it to sit on the floor.  He can’t believe he acted like that with Tony.  It was like he was a completely different person and he’s still shaking a little from it all.

He’s also rock hard in his jeans and has been ever since he had Tony in his arms on the dance floor.  Just the memory of how Tony felt pressed up against him is enough to force a groan from between his lips and for his cock, if it’s possible, to get even harder.  He reaches down and presses his palm against the bulge in his jeans to try and relieve some pressure.  It doesn’t help.  In fact, it makes his hips buck up completely of their own accord.  Steve lets his head flop back against the door and hisses through his teeth while he palms himself some more.  It’s no good, he’s going to have to unzip and relieve himself. 

Steve unbuckles his belt and pulls down the zip, sighing happily when the cooler air of his apartment wafts over his restricted boxer briefs.  He knows that he should get up off the floor and go to the bedroom or his en-suite but he’s desperate so he just pulls his cock out right then and there.  He gives it a long, languid stroke and marvels a little at just how hard he is.  He doesn’t think he’s ever been this turned on and when he closes his eyes, all he can see is Tony’s beautiful face when he came.

A quiet moan escapes his lips as he works himself with steady strokes and he knows he’s not going to last, not when he’s been hard for so long.  Not when he can still smell the heady mix of expensive, bespoke cologne with an underlying smell of solder and motor oil that is uniquely Tony.  Using his spare hand, he lifts the sleeve of his shirt to his nose and inhales deeply.  With his serum enhanced senses, he can still smell the genius on the fabric and that forces a much louder moan from the blond and his hips buck up into his hand.  He adds a twist of his wrist and rubs his thumb across the slit a few times, smearing the moisture gathering there down the length of his cock to make the slide easier.

He’s so close, so very close and he just needs.....God he wishes Tony was with him.  Wants Tony filling his senses, wrapping his hand around his cock, whispering filth in his ear.  Steve’s breath hitches as he remembers the things that Tony said to him earlier, remembers the filthy promises.  He wishes they hadn’t been out in a nightclub.  If they had been back at the tower, Steve could have spread the genius out on his bed, covered his body with kisses and bite marks.  He would have been able to lick Tony from his fingers, see if he tastes as glorious as Steve has imagined he does.  He could have done all the things he told Tony he wanted to do.  Instead, he’s sitting on the floor of his apartment in the dark with his jeans pushed down just far enough that he can jerk off to thoughts of the brunet.

Steve is so very nearly there when his serum enhanced hearing picks up footsteps in the corridor outside.  Whoever it is isn’t wearing shoes as the steps aren’t loud enough.  It sounds like whoever is out there is barefoot and there’s only one person that Steve knows that would do that.

Tony.

The feet stop outside his door and Steve’s hand speeds up at the possibility of it being Tony outside his door.  He tries not to make a sound but he can’t help the soft moans that escape his lips as he pictures Tony in the corridor staring at the door to Steve’s apartment and debating whether or not to knock or to just go back to the penthouse.  And if Steve’s honest, he doesn’t give a fuck if Tony can hear him.  Hell, he _wants_ Tony to hear him.  The sound Steve makes as he comes to the thought of Tony watching him jerk off is loud enough that whoever is standing outside his door will hear it.  He covers his hand and the top of his jeans with cum and almost folds himself in half with the intensity of it.

When he gets his breath back and his pulse has stopped pounding in his ears, Steve turns his head to listen.  He doesn’t hear anything at first but then there’s a soft, whispered curse and the sound of bare feet hurrying away down the corridor.

Steve should feel ashamed but he doesn’t.

He really, really doesn’t.

And he’s surprisingly OK with that.


	8. Spring Fling Queen

“The blue 3-piece, definitely,” Pepper says as she strides into Steve’s closet and goes straight for her favourite suit.

“But shouldn’t I wear a tux tonight?” Steve asks as he trots after Pepper.  “Everyone else is wearing a tux.  Won’t I look out of place if I don’t wear one too?”

“Yes, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb,” Pepper grins and Steve thinks he should be a little scared by the slightly manic look that the redhead is giving him.  “And that’s the whole point.  You look amazing in this suit Steve.  Tony won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

“OK,” Steve says in a small voice that is all Brooklyn asthmatic and no American icon.

“Steve, listen to me,” Pepper says as she takes the suit off the rail and turns towards Steve.  “You’re going to look so good in this suit that Tony isn’t going to be able to resist.  You’ve been waiting long enough and tonight is the perfect opportunity to make a move.  The suit is going to do most of the work for you then it’ll be up to you to do the rest.”

Steve gives Pepper a shy smile and takes the suit from her as she goes back to choose a shirt and tie.  She picks out a plain white one and a blue tie to match the suit that has subtle silver threat running through it.  She passes both to Steve who takes them without question and goes back for shoes.  When she finds the pair she wants, she shoos Steve out of the closet and ushers him off to the bathroom so she can lay the clothes out on the bed.

When Steve is done in the shower, the suit and everything else is laid out on the bed and Pepper is gone.  He takes a deep breath and starts getting dressed.  As he slides on each item, he marvels at just how perfectly fitted to his body it all is.  He faces the full length mirror as he does his tie and buttons the waistcoat before pulling on the jacket and doing that up too.  He takes a few moments to admire the cut and fit of the whole thing as he twists this way and that, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he takes in the finished look.  He’s managed to do his hair himself this time, perfectly tousled of course and he decides that he looks good.  He’s always appreciated his body after the serum, even now not quite believing that the body he sees in the mirror is actually him.  And being showcased in exquisite tailoring just makes it feel even more unbelievable.  He just hopes that Pepper is right and Tony will like what he sees. 

He’s shaken from his daydreaming by a knock at the door and opens it to find Bruce looking sheepish.

“Hey Bruce, time to go?”

“Yeah, everyone’s waiting.  You good to go?” Bruce asks, looking Steve up and down with a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“Sure,” Steve pulls his door closed behind him and follows Bruce down the corridor.  “You haven’t all been waiting for me have you?”

“Not long.  Pepper figured you’d want to make an entrance,” Bruce gives him a wink before he leads the way into the communal living area where he’s greeted by a wolf whistle.

“Well, fuck me!” Darcy exclaims. 

“Seconded,” says Natasha.

“Thirded,” Clint chimes in and Steve sees Phil dig an elbow into Clint’s side but the Agent looks just as speechless as everyone else.

When he turns to look at Tony, the genius looks shocked, aroused and slightly unbelieving all at the same time.  Steve shouldn’t be as smug as he feels but he can’t help it and he’s glad he followed Pepper’s advice on the suit.  If the way Tony’s eyes are eating him alive and the obvious bulge in his dress pants are anything to go by, Steve wonders how he ever doubted Pepper in the first place.

“Seeing as we’re all here, shall we go and get this over with?”  Tony finds his voice eventually.  Steve nods and they all make their way to the elevator.  With Thor and Steve, they don’t all fit so Steve steps out to wait for the next one and is delighted when Tony follows him.

They stand in silence for a few moments and Steve is convinced that JARVIS is stalling the elevator.

“Nice suit.”

“Thanks.  Miss Potts took me to your tailor,” Steve replies as they both face the elevator doors.  He can’t quite bring himself to look at Tony yet, afraid that he won’t be able to control his blush and pretty damn certain that if he looks into those gorgeous brown eyes, they won’t be making it to the benefit at all.

“Brings out your eyes.”

“That’s what Miss Potts said,” dammit Rogers, you’re being pathetic.  Remember what Clint taught you.

They stand in silence for a bit longer until Tony says: “Cap, about the other night…,”

But before he can carry on, the elevator dings and Steve gets in, not sure he wants to hear what Tony has to say about the nightclub.  He’s been avoiding Steve for the best part of 10 days and he doesn’t want to hear the words of rejection from the genius.

“Coming Tony?”

“Na, I forgot……something.  See you downstairs in a moment,” Tony replies and the elevator doors close to take Steve to the floor that the benefit is on.

“Fuck my life,” Steve groans, banging his head on the mirrored doors.


End file.
